Michael Colón of Inner Loop Blog only looks harmless
Are you a Walgreens or CVS man?
What a question. I’m a Walgreens. When I think of Walgreens, I compare it to, like, CVS is Walmart and Walgreens is Target. It’s a little bit fancier; I don’t know why but there’s something about Target that makes you feel like you’re not at Walmart [laughs]. Which is a ridiculous statement … but I do not like Walmart. It’s too much, it’s too America for me. Target is just that sweet spot of feeling fancy, like the quality is good. So yeah, Walgreens all day. I think what upsets me the most about Walmart is the bins. Like the sections you walk by and it’s just like a metal bowl and they’re just violently throwing things in there, and you’re like, “time to sift through DVDs!” It’s like a crane game but you’re the crane. It’s just the worst situation. Everyone’s rummaging, and I feel like an animal when I’m there. Walgreens. It’s even where I got my vaccine!
Why did you write a book?
To have a book! [laughs] No, I’m a writer at heart. I love writing. So before comedy, before blogs—I mean if you think about the blog, it’s writing. It’s satire. I was fascinated with writing at a young age. I wrote screenplays as a teenager; I took up books. I always wanted to write a book, but I never felt like I could write a full-length book on one topic, that’s not how my brain works. So, I read a book by BJ Novak, a writer for The Office who also plays Ryan. Very funny guy, talented writer, does children’s books and short stories. I read his book of short stories, and I was like “This is great, I think I could do something like that.” So, four years ago I started writing the book Don’t Look Down, and just kind of thought I could bang it out in a year. I didn’t realize what being a writer meant, and had periods of forgetting, or just life getting in the way, and then over the last year during the pandemic I was like “This is the perfect time to do it.” So, I finished it, got the book cover, got it edited, and now I’m trying to self-publish. I don’t know if I’m going to write more books but having that one was a little goal for myself. So, it’s short stories, weird shit. Very weird. I’m interested to see how the public perceives it!
When somebody in your car isn’t wearing a seatbelt and the *blip blip blip* is going off, can you still drive, or are you incapable of continuing to drive?
Ooh, that’s good. I am incapable. It has to turn off. I have to tell them to put their seatbelt on. Not because I care about them, but because I care about the noise going away. I care about me; I care about my mental health! [laughs]. Like, this watch I’m wearing—it’s not on because I hate the ticking noise. This is not a working watch. I just like that it looks fancy. But anything that’s ticking drives me insane; I hone in on it. I think there’s a term for it, but I’m definitely that guy.
What is the Inner Loop Blog Podcast like?
It’s a shit show. [laughs] … Shane Allen and I have been tossing the idea of a podcast around, because everywhere does a podcast you know? And with the number of followers we have, it seemed foolish to not get one off the ground. So, we finally said, “Okay, 2021, we’re gonna shit or get off the pot.” So in the beginning we had no idea what it would be like; we knew it was going to be a comedy podcast, we knew it was going to be a news podcast. So are we going to just be satire, or are we going to do real things? We decided to go down the “real things” route, for laziness; it’s much easier than being creative. I feel like we’re finally finding our groove now, like how we interact with each other and what we talk about. Because I’ve got to be honest, in Rochester … it’s depressing news. Every week we talk about something horrific, and it is very hard to put a comedic spin on some of the stories. Like we’re just sitting there like, “Here’s the news. How do we make it funny?” And we just decided not to joke about it. We’re not trying to be, like, edge lords or something. We’ve steered away from that; we’ll talk about it but we don’t stay on it too long. We did talk about the carjackings recently, which is insane, but we’ll also talk about funny stuff. We try to find a balance. My favorite is reading off comments that people leave on the blog. That’s my favorite segment we do. Because people leave some gems, some very good comments.
What is your dream pet that’s also the most unethical type of pet to have?
I think I’d want a koala. I thought of a pig at first, but I think people actually do pigs as pets, right? They’re not that foreign. Koalas seem pretty cool to have. Just, like, chilling. Although they are vicious! They’re scary. Someone called me a koala, actually. About my stage presence with comedy. Because when I go on stage, I feel like I look harmless. Just really nice. But I’m very aggressive on stage, like I attack people violently [laughs] I just love attacking the crowd, and it’s what koalas do. They’re very nice and loveable, but they will fuck you up … I’m sure you could look it up on YouTube. My favorite is people almost getting hit by cars compilations [laughs]. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I know it’s a bad thing to get into … it’s really funny because, one, they don’t get hurt. It’s guilt free. And two—everyone does the same thing when a car’s coming at them. They all go [shuffles side to side], like there’s nothing funnier than seeing people do this dance and then dive out of the way … I don’t feel bad because they’re fine, you know? They didn’t get hurt. I’d be a sociopath if I watched people get hit by cars; there’s nothing funny about that. But people almost getting hit? Good ol’ classic comedy.